So Much
by Cassandra Mulder
Summary: The cracks in his façade were becoming canyons, and their vastness was threatening to swallow him whole.


**Title: **So Much  
**Author: **Cassandra Mulder  
**Rating: **PG  
**Classification: **_The Office_; Jim/Pam; angst  
**Spoilers: **Season 2  
**Disclaimer: **Not mine. As much as I wish it was, that just isn't happening. Send John! No infringement intended.  
**Written: **June 25 - 27, 2007  
**Word Count: **1137  
**Summary: **The cracks in his façade were becoming canyons, and their vastness was threatening to swallow him whole.  
**A/N: **This is my tenth Office fic. Wow. Already. I got season 2 last week, so this is just a bit of Jim angst that wouldn't leave me alone. Because even knowing what I know now, I still can't watch any of it without an _Oh, Jim_ popping out every five seconds. Poor baby. So if this seems kind of rambling and thinky, it's just a glimpse into Jim's poor, tortured soul. Remember, feedback is love!

* * *

It was amazing how everything they did together was burned into his memory.

They were only little moments, but as each one piled on he was breaking a little more. The cracks in his façade were becoming canyons, and their vastness was threatening to swallow him whole.

He hardly knew how to be in her presence anymore without blurting out his feelings, and no matter how hard he tried to show her with his actions how much she meant to him, she seemed to remain blissfully unaware of the personal hell he was going through.

Sometimes he got bitter and didn't even bother to try. At those times he convinced himself he would just give up and try to move on with his life, but it never worked. He did make himself get through Valentine's Day, even as his fingers itched to buy her a small token of his affection at the store, or his hand hovered over the mouse, wanting to make her a crazy card. Anything to make her smile and erase the disappointment every time a delivery came and it wasn't from Roy.

The thing was, she had made her choice and it wasn't his responsibility to save her anymore. He wasn't going to make it easier to be engaged to an idiot if he wasn't benefiting from it at all. It seemed callous and selfish, but he couldn't take it anymore. It took all the strength he had just to still be her friend, and wearing his heart on his sleeve was no longer an option if he was going to survive. He was positive everyone could see it, and it just made him feel like a fool.

She used to be the only thing he looked forward to at work; the only thing that made him get out of bed in the morning instead of burrowing deeper under the covers, full of dread. Now she was _part_ of the dread, and everything was so much worse than it had ever been. He had no one to talk to about it, because Mark had ceased caring about his Pam angst ages ago, most of his other friends were work friends, he wasn't about to tell the girls he dated to try to get over her, and his best friend was the culprit.

He was hopeless.

It was never supposed to come to this. Falling for someone at work was not a good idea, and he thought maybe he could have prevented it if only she hadn't left her engagement ring on the edge of the sink that day. He would have seen it, he would never have asked her to lunch, and he wouldn't be in this mess.

That's what he liked to tell himself anyway. It probably wouldn't have mattered if she had blatantly displayed a three carat skating rink. If she still had that certain glow about her and that shy smile when she walked in, he still would have been a goner.

It sounded cheesy, cliché, and decidedly unmanly, but the moment he had laid eyes on her, he had known they were supposed to be together. He couldn't explain it, and for a long time he didn't want to go anywhere near analyzing it. She wasn't his; she belonged to someone else, so how could his instincts possibly be right?

He had changed his mind slightly when he saw to whom she belonged.

Roy was a fairly nice guy, but if one chose to describe him as a 'lunkhead', then one would not be far off. Jim often chose this description in his head, because he knew Pam could do better. If _he_ was better, fine, but as long as she tried to do better than Roy, he could respect that.

He had an incredibly hard time sitting back and watching her being taken for granted. Her precious fiancé hardly ever spent any time with her, he didn't support her or her dreams, and he just didn't respect her or any of the ways she should be treated.

Jim knew he could do better - would do better. So much better, and she refused to see it, no matter how many times he tried to prove it to her without actually saying it.

He was making no progress, she was determined to get married, and he didn't know what to do. He had told himself many times that if it came to this, he would have to leave. If he thought this was torture, it was nothing compared to having to sit and watch her wear a wedding ring. There were just some things a man could not take.

He wasn't quite to the point of giving up hope (mostly thanks to Michael's words, of all things), but every time she averted her eyes, and with every change of subject, he wanted to ask her why.

Why she felt she wasn't entitled to what she deserved. Why she didn't want to be loved in the way only he could love her. Why she was willing to settle for not good enough when he was right in front of her offering everything he had.

He wanted the answers so badly he could taste it. He wanted to know how she didn't know how special she was; how she didn't know the way he felt about her. There was too much left unsaid, and it was eating at him not to know.

Maybe he would find his chance, or maybe he would simply spend the rest of his life wondering why he couldn't love anyone else. He wanted to more than anything, but she refused to let him go even though she was apparently oblivious to the fact that she had him.

He couldn't really win, and he didn't know if it was worth trying anymore. His emotions were so mixed up that sometimes he had no idea how he got through the day. The stress of playing it cool was killing him, and insomnia had become a problem lately. Sometimes he was so tired he was tempted to snap and tell her that she was going to be the death of him.

He didn't because he knew she would only stare up at him with those wide, confused eyes, pretending she had no idea what he was talking about. She was determined to keep her promise to a man who had no clue, so she would carefully act as though she didn't have one either.

It might be that way for the time being, but he knew one day it was going to come crashing down around all of them, and he wouldn't be able to guarantee her he would be there to pick up the pieces.

He was only one man, and one man could only take so much.

Finis


End file.
